(no subject)

[thewidewideworld]

{From here}

Sinric leans Athelstan into their rooms. It's clear he hasn't slept there either. Even the mead cup sits on the table when he left it.

He draws Athelstan towards the bathroom. "Will you bathe with me?" His voice is soft and gentle. "Your clothes smell rather strongly of goat."

Comments

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric shakes his head, lowering his eyes a little. "No, not so patient as I may seem. But practice has made me accustomed to putting another's needs first."

[athelstanthescribe]

"I hope you have found ways to see to your own needs", he says quietly. "Though I can't meet them."

[thewidewideworld]

"My needs are simple, and perhaps not as pressing as they sometimes seem. You need now worry for me."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Not worry, perhaps. But... I've been very selfish."

[thewidewideworld]

"You are healing. That takes time. I of all people know that well."

[athelstanthescribe]

"But I feel I've hardly given a thought to you, in the darkness. I wonder if I should go away..."

[thewidewideworld]

He pushes away a little. "You think I would be happier without you?" He makes a little disbelieving sound. "Trapped in your own darkness, you don't see the light you bring others."

[athelstanthescribe]

"How can I bring light, any more?"

He honestly doesn't understand.

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric moves back to him, cupping Athelstan's cheek and kissing him again. Not a kiss of need or desire but one that speaks deeply of the love he feels.

"Battered but not broken, despoiled but not ruined. This is what my beloved Emperor told me. And now I tell you."

[athelstanthescribe]

"But Sinric - " His voice breaks. "I have no joy left in me, except for the briefest moments that come about here."

[thewidewideworld]

He presses his hand gently to Athelstan's heart. "The smallest spark is enough to fan into flame. Ragnar will bring it back to life when you meet again."

[athelstanthescribe]

"When he brings me home", he says quietly. "I can never truly heal until then, when I will be safe."

[thewidewideworld]

He nods, knowing he can never give Athelstan the comfort and love he needs.

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan looks at him.

"And I'm weighing you down."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric give him a sad look. "I'm sorry that I've made you feel that way."

[athelstanthescribe]

"You haven't - " He's starting to get frustrated with himself. "I only know it to be true, that every time we meet I make you sad, and it's only getting worse. This last time..."

[thewidewideworld]

"No, you haven't." It comes out a little more reverently than he planned. "This time you've made me sad because-" He cuts himself off, making an effort to lower his voice. "because I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again."

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan closes his eyes.

"I should never have spoken to you of it, still less asked your forgiveness."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric can't answer that. Because he would rather not know but knowing, he can't change what is known. Instead the pulls Athelstan into a hug, burying his face in Athelstan's shoulder.

[athelstanthescribe]

"I'm lost in the darkness", Athelstan whispers, staring into space over Sinric's shoulder. "I can't see the way back to the light, and I see nothing left in me to love."

[thewidewideworld]

"Then let me see it for you." Sinric's voice catches with tears. "Let me be a light to you. Please, don't push me away."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Do you see what I fear?" he asks, low and intense. "That I'll put out your light, rather than it shining for me?"

[thewidewideworld]

"No, I don't!" He pulls back, tears steaming and his voice impassioned. "Because you don't see the fire you lit in me! You were the first lover I ever took for myself. First person I chose to share myself with because I wanted to. You were the first to show me true pleasure and more than that, I love you! Do you really think that will change just because you are hurt?"

[athelstanthescribe]

"They cut me to the quick with what they did." It's a whisper. "I still love you, never think... but that's why you must promise you'll never let me drag you into the darkness. Not you, my bright Sinric."

[thewidewideworld]

The kiss Sinric gives Athelstan now is most definitely a shut up kiss, burning with emotion. "You were with me in my darkest hour. You saw how far down I fell into my own darkness. But you and Ragnar and my Constantine pulled me back up. I won't let you fall any deeper."